13 Resume Lies:

13. "I hold the experience to match your requirements." MEANS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced, because I made up what I wrote.

12. "I am a hard working person." MEANS: I can go hours sitting at my desk on youtube.

11. "I am a people person." MEANS: I can hold a conversation for more than 2 minutes without getting sidetracked.

10. "I don't take lunches." MEANS: I do, but at my desk while watching youtube.

9. "I am willing to relocate." MEANS: Anywhere is better than prison.

8. I appreciate hard workers." MEANS: Exactly what it says, because they do all the work!

7. "I am very professional." MEANS: I have an organizer.

6. "I am very adaptable." MEANS: I've changed jobs a lot.

5. "I have a great sense of humor." MEANS: I know a lot of over-said and un-funny jokes and I tell overuse them.

4. "I am great with co-workers." MEANS: I've been known as the loud mouth.

3. "I take pride in my work." MEANS: I blame others for my mistakes.

2. "I work well with computers." MEANS: I can use Microsoft Word and can make backgrounds for Powerpoint!

1. I look forward to hearing from you. MEANS: Yeah, I have applied for 3 more jobs.
Got Any Resume Lies?

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Girls are Always Selfish

Girls are Always Selfish

Do u know, when i was a kid

so many girls wantd to kiss me,i allowed,

but now i want 2 kiss so many girls,

but they dont allow. SELFISH GIRLS…

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management & engineers

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.


She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."


The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.


"How did you know?"


"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."


The man below responded, "You must be in management."


"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"


"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"


BOTTOM LINE: just imagine the management guys who are basically engineers... no wonder!!!!!

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The 5 Toughest Questions

The 5 Toughest Questions a Woman Can Ask a Man
The questions are:
What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (I.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

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Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

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Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

*********

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

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Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
Define 'pretty'
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

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Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

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She....Would you get married again?

He.....Definitely not!

She....Why not - don't you like being married?

He.....Of course I do.

She....Then why wouldn't you remarry?

He.....Okay, I'd get married again.

She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)

He.....Yes, I would.

She....Would you sleep with her in our bed?

He.....Where else would we sleep?

She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.

She....And would you let her use my golf clubs?

He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed.

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Words women use

Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


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Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.


Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


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Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".


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Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!


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Loud Sigh

Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".


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That's Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


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Thanks

This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS for more fun

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



____________ _________ ________



HAPPINESS



To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



____________ _________ _________



LONGEVITY



Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



____________ _________ _________



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE



A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



____________ _________ ________




DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE



A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

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Deep in MBA

Boy felled on girl..

Girl:,"Kya kar rahe ho..?

Boy :,"MBA and You...?!!" This is call Sincerity towards MBA.

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What is marketing

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"




2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"




3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing"




4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:"By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"


5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! Me?" - That's Brand Recognition"




6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback"




7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"




8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"




9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets"

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