Showing posts with label Lazy Fun. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lazy Fun. Show all posts

Thoughts in Walking ... !!!


I was Attending to kids’ lessons to guide them in their studies.
Kid answered to my questions.
Who invented telephone?  -  me.
Abraham Bell.   –   Kid.
It’s Alexander Graham Bell  –   I corrected the kid.

After a while, I received a telephone call, which was not pertaining to us.
Wrong number – I said and disconnected.
The Kid asked me suddenly,” Grandpa, who invented wrong number?”

Such funny, peculiar but true sense of thoughts we face in our routine life
while meeting with friends, relations, shop sales gals while shopping and such and such.
A thought would lighten suddenly in our mind that funny but meaningful, intelligible, Influential & etc….

We share it here.

Graham Bell invented Telephone but wrong number is invented by you and me.
Read More...

Hitler and the Pig

Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address.
Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with the car.

Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he's done asks Hitler what they should do, and Hitler tells him impatiently that they're in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later.

All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.

Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road.

Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor.

Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I've ever tasted and let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young daughter and then sent me on my way."

Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well what exactly did you tell them?"

To which the chauffeur replied "I really can't understand it either, all I did was tell them "I'm Hitler's Chauffeur, and I killed the pig."
Read More...

"Do you like light or heavy reading?’.....must read

Customer: ‘I’d like to buy a novel, please.’
Bookshop assistant: ‘Certainly, madam. Do you have the title or name of the
author?’

Customer: ‘Not really. I was hoping you could suggest something suitable.’
Bookshop assistant: ‘No problem. Do you like light or heavy reading?’
Customer: ‘It doesn’t matter. I’ve left the car just outside the shop.’
Read More...

Double meaning pics....funny too






Read More...

Toilet Pain!


A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."

What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Read More...

Customer Care In 2020

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold.......... on......889861356102049998-45-
54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17
Jalan
Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your
mobile
is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes"
from
the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how
much
will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The
total
is $49.9! 9"

Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit
card is
over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last
year.
That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan,
Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and
withdraw
some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your
daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can
always
come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What!"

Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a
Scooter,...registration number 1123..."

Customer: " ????"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing.! .. by the way... aren't you giving me that 3
free
bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're
also

diabetic....... "

Customer: #$$^%&$@$%^

Operator "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987
you
were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"
Read More...

Girls are Always Selfish




Girls are Always Selfish

Do u know, when i was a kid

so many girls wantd to kiss me,i allowed,

but now i want 2 kiss so many girls,

but they dont allow. SELFISH GIRLS…
Read More...

Interesting Facts about India

    * India never invaded any country in her last 100000 years of history.
    * When many cultures were only nomadic forest dwellers over 5000 years ago, Indians established Harappan culture in Sindhu Valley (Indus Valley Civilization)
    * The name 'India' is derived from the River Indus, the valleys around which were the home of the early settlers. The Aryan worshippers referred to the river Indus as the Sindhu.
    * The Persian invaders converted it into Hindu. The name 'Hindustan' combines Sindhu and Hindu and thus refers to the land of the Hindus.
    * Chess was invented in India.
    * Algebra, Trigonometry and Calculus are studies, which originated in India.
    * The 'Place Value System' and the 'Decimal System' were developed in India in 100 B.C.
    * The World's First Granite Temple is the Brihadeswara Temple at Tanjavur, Tamil Nadu. The shikhara of the temple is made from a single 80-tonne piece of granite. This magnificent temple was built in just five years, (between 1004 AD and 1009 AD) during the reign of Rajaraja Chola.
    * India is the largest democracy in the world, the 7th largest Country in the world, and one of the most ancient civilizations.
    * The game of Snakes & Ladders was created by the 13th century poet saint Gyandev. It was originally called 'Mokshapat'. The ladders in the game represented virtues and the snakes indicated vices. The game was played with cowrie shells and dices. In time, the game underwent several modifications, but its meaning remained the same, i.e. good deeds take people to heaven and evil to a cycle of re-births.
    * The world's highest cricket ground is in Chail, Himachal Pradesh. Built in 1893 after leveling a hilltop, this cricket pitch is 2444 meters above sea level.
    * India has the largest number of Post Offices in the world.
    * The largest employer in India is the Indian Railways, employing over a million people.
    * The world's first university was established in Takshila in 700 BC. More than 10,500 students from all over the world studied more than 60 subjects. The University of Nalanda built in the 4th century was one of the greatest achievements of ancient India in the field of education.
    * Ayurveda is the earliest school of medicine known to mankind. The Father of Medicine, Charaka, consolidated Ayurveda 2500 years ago.
    * India was one of the richest countries till the time of British rule in the early 17th Century. Christopher Columbus, attracted by India's wealth, had come looking for a sea route to India when he discovered America by mistake.
    * The Art of Navigation & Navigating was born in the river Sindh over 6000 years ago. The very word Navigation is derived from the Sanskrit word 'NAVGATIH'. The word navy is also derived from the Sanskrit word 'Nou'.
    * Bhaskaracharya rightly calculated the time taken by the earth to orbit the Sun hundreds of years before the astronomer Smart. According to his calculation, the time taken by the Earth to orbit the Sun was 365.258756484 days.
    * The value of "pi" was first calculated by the Indian Mathematician Budhayana, and he explained the concept of what is known as the Pythagorean Theorem. He discovered this in the 6th century, long before the European mathematicians.
    * Algebra, Trigonometry and Calculus also originated in India.Quadratic Equations were used by Sridharacharya in the 11th century. The largest numbers the Greeks and the Romans used were 106 whereas Hindus used numbers as big as 10*53 (i.e. 10 to the power of 53) with specific names as early as 5000 B.C.during the Vedic period.Even today, the largest used number is Terra: 10*12(10 to the power of 12).
    * Until 1896, India was the only source of diamonds in the world
      (Source: Gemological Institute of America).
    * The Baily Bridge is the highest bridge in the world. It is located in the Ladakh valley between the Dras and Suru rivers in the Himalayan mountains. It was built by the Indian Army in August 1982.
    * Sushruta is regarded as the Father of Surgery. Over2600 years ago Sushrata & his team conducted complicated surgeries like cataract, artificial limbs, cesareans, fractures, urinary stones, plastic surgery and brain surgeries.
    * Usage of anaesthesia was well known in ancient Indian medicine. Detailed knowledge of anatomy, embryology, digestion, metabolism,physiology, etiology, genetics and immunity is also found in many ancient Indian texts.
    * India exports software to 90 countries.
    * The four religions born in India - Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, and Sikhism, are followed by 25% of the world's population.
    * Jainism and Buddhism were founded in India in 600 B.C. and 500 B.C. respectively.
    * Islam is India's and the world's second largest religion.
    * There are 300,000 active mosques in India, more than in any other country, including the Muslim world.
    * The oldest European church and synagogue in India are in the city of Cochin. They were built in 1503 and 1568 respectively.
    * Jews and Christians have lived continuously in India since 200 B.C. and 52 A.D. respectively
    * The largest religious building in the world is Angkor Wat, a Hindu Temple in Cambodia built at the end of the 11th century.
    * The Vishnu Temple in the city of Tirupathi built in the 10th century, is the world's largest religious pilgrimage destination. Larger than either Rome or Mecca, an average of 30,000 visitors donate $6 million (US) to the temple everyday.
    * Sikhism originated in the Holy city of Amritsar in Punjab. Famous for housing the Golden Temple, the city was founded in 1577.
    * Varanasi, also known as Benaras, was called "the Ancient City" when Lord Buddha visited it in 500 B.C., and is the oldest, continuously inhabited city in the world today.
    * India provides safety for more than 300,000 refugees originally from Sri Lanka, Tibet, Bhutan, Afghanistan and Bangladesh, who escaped to flee religious and political persecution.
    * His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, the exiled spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhists, runs his government in exile from Dharmashala in northern India.
    * Martial Arts were first created in India, and later spread to Asia by Buddhist missionaries.
    * Yoga has its origins in India and has existed for over 5,000 years.
Read More...

management & engineers

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.


She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."


The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.


"How did you know?"


"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."


The man below responded, "You must be in management."


"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"


"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"


BOTTOM LINE: just imagine the management guys who are basically engineers... no wonder!!!!!
Read More...

The 5 Toughest Questions

The 5 Toughest Questions a Woman Can Ask a Man
The questions are:
What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (I.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

*********

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

*********

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

*********

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

*********

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
Define 'pretty'
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

*********

Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

*********

She....Would you get married again?

He.....Definitely not!

She....Why not - don't you like being married?

He.....Of course I do.

She....Then why wouldn't you remarry?

He.....Okay, I'd get married again.

She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)

He.....Yes, I would.

She....Would you sleep with her in our bed?

He.....Where else would we sleep?

She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.

She....And would you let her use my golf clubs?

He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Read More...

Words women use

Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


***********


Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.


Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


***********


Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".


***********


Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!


***********


Loud Sigh

Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".


***********


That's Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


***********


Thanks

This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
Read More...

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS for more fun

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



____________ _________ ________



HAPPINESS



To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



____________ _________ _________



LONGEVITY



Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



____________ _________ _________



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE



A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



____________ _________ ________




DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE



A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Read More...

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Read More...

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Read More...

Deep in MBA


Boy felled on girl..


Girl:,"Kya kar rahe ho..?


Boy :,"MBA and You...?!!" This is call Sincerity towards MBA.
Read More...

What is marketing


1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"




2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"




3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing"




4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:"By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"


5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! Me?" - That's Brand Recognition"




6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback"




7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"




8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"




9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets"
Read More...

Laws of Life

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.



LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.



LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.



LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.



LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.



BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.



LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.



LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!



LAW OF BIO MECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.



THEATER RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.



LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Read More...

funny wedding











Read More...